Quitting tumblr

whatever

I had a dream that the clouds were cotton candy pink.

The skies and seas were only separable by the presence of different forms of matter, liquid and gas. But they were the same in every other way.

The waves were hitting too slowly, and the moon was up early. But I couldn’t wake up, not that I wanted to. But it feels weird, good-weird. That kind of feeling you’d understand if you were there.

That unedited kind of feeling. And you, I could take you there. Literally. 

   And I would, If you’d believe me. You’ve got to!

-Summer of 2009.

Into the Sun

I see our lives as our own solar system. Though I’ve seen it much better than I can talk about it. A sun surrounded by different planetary bodies. People revolving around us turning their backs and facing us at their own axes. Inspired by stars too far from our reach, those which eventually dies with us, or have already been long dead. I can’t shrug off the feeling. I’m happy. I’m in love. With life. 

-August 8, 2011

1. 

   

   

   

   yesterday, I was everywhere

    

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3. 

   shrumms

   These times when i wouldn’t want to keep denying my urge to write:

   I’m sad. We all are.

    

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4. 

   shrumms

   “where did i leave my book of matches? what if they find my fingerprints?”

   —	Metronome Arthritis

    

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5. 

   shrumms

   Puffer Fish

   Last night, I had a heartache. Lots of them actually. I never got the chance to confront myself like that in more than half a year. To my thoughts, man, where have you been?

    

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shrumms

Five years of journey unfolding, I never thought soul searching would take so long. And yeah, after all those times we spend trying to find ourselves in the wrong places, we have to try and try again. I found out I was impulsive. Or I AM. If it took me nineteen years to figure out one aspect of myself, how can I trust others? Hah! Life, I might not prove myself, but I’m starting to see right through you. I really am. You have to believe me. So you’re not really the achieve-nirvana-and-die sort of thing. I thought so. How else can I explain each of us reaching the highest points of our current lives, and going back down again. Roller-coaster ride,eh? a lil’ bit of a thriller, aren’t we? But hey, seriously, I’m beginning to understand things. A whole lot of things, switched from different point of views, fitting different personalities, now I may have not gotten the eureka thing yet. But I feel i’m in the right path, like never before. I never really thought of it as paths before I knew i was in the right one. 

But hey, I’m still impulsive. Though I’ve learned a whole lot. Knowing yourself better makes you know how to handle yourself. Only you can do that. And I can’t help you.

And you there, stay away from me for a while. I’m drawn to overwhelming feelings. My impulsiveness isn’t behaving much.

 

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The Ice cream Memories of Charlotte Rowe

currently reading..

Soul searchin

I'm almost there for the second time. I've been there before though. I would never stop trying until I find myself in the depths of my existence. To fear or to love for real, to find or take what I want, to know what we want from this world. I can never be part of you, I should not have. Held your hand and felt your existence rushing through my bones. What are you?

sleep

In this world of uncertainty, was I playing God trying to be certain of everything i desire? Or shall I call it greed. When I kept searching for myself, all I found was pain instead. This life can't seem to get enough of it. I found life, but it was a life not worth living. I found love, one not worth fighting for. I thought I was on top of the world, when I forgot what I climbed it with. My life was wreckless. I gave everything to protect the things I tried to own, I threw it all away instead. Well, what can I say? It's my first attempt on life, I failed it. I dont know if im supposed to be happy or sad about it. Maybe I dont have to know. I think i'd just have to take what I have and face the world with it. I'm too dumb right now to figure out wether time was wasted or not, or am im just trying to justify myself. And I don't want to know if the feeling exists.

What else is there aside from the fuck ups and hassles of hopelessly trying to get some hope. i'm here in the same ground with the same train of thought running through my circular trail. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I know I am alone. The emptiness is cliche. The sadness is strange that it doesn't hurt that much anymore. You make me sad, it makes me human. Or at least, i think so.

I tore my feelings into pieces for you to comprehend. But didn't mean much to you. You didn't even get that right, did you? You were more than just something lost. You took away what I believe in, my dreams and the things i thought were real. There is one dream i haven't told you though. But some things are just better left unsaid, undone, unbelieved. You showed me how harsh this world can be. You tried to roughen me up, eh? But I still remember everything. I swore the world stopped turning for a minute or less. There's no point in asking why. But it takes strong persistence to believe you. Still you proved it well. You showed me that harsh isn't harsh enough and you kept beating me until i became numb and cold as you. But I never will because I am weaker. There's no point in this anymore, but the words does not cooperate well with the mind i guess. You are just a state of mind. Let me kill you. But I swore from the pain in my chest that I will not be there for you. It's sad that people change, it's sadder that I do too. You're making me a hypocrite for what's real that i feel doesn't make sense to you. You wont be able to read this anyway,but i cannot love you. At least I still don't. Fuck you if you didn't know that. So just meet me tomorrow with my cold eyes telling you to your face that i dont care. 

You are not the only one who knows how to lie , you'll see ...